The Cape Lags

How do you make a show about a would be superhero completely and utterly boring? How do you turn off the key demographic of 10-16 year old boys? Just ask the creative minds behind NBC's new drama "The Cape". What should be a fun and adventurous show about a framed cop out for vigilante justice is instead a big snooze fest.

David Lyons was a real charmer on "er", but here he just looks bored and desperate. As good cop turned scape goat Vince Faraday, he should radiate charm and wit. The signature one liner's that are so popular with comic book crime fighters feel stale and over worked. Maybe it's the accent. Fan boy goddess Summer Glau (TVs "Firefly") is once again given nothing to do with or for her powerful fan base. Her Orwell, a mysterious wunderkind, is a talking head on a screen, sometimes literally, who rolls in to save Faraday's ass when he gets in over his head (which seems to be about every 10  minutes of film). I love her, but I'm tired of 90 lb women beating the crap out of guys three times their size and never getting injured. Meanwhile, out hero is cut, shot at, poisoned, and bruised. Come on!

The plot is also a bit hackneyed and stale. Faraday is a good man with dark secrets who is framed by evil mastermind Chess (James Frain, "True Blood", "Elizabeth") and presumed dead. Chess is actually Peter Fleming, the saviour of the city and the man who privatized it's security and police force. What could he want I wonder... Instead, he has gone into hiding with a group of bank robbing circus performers. For real. There, he learns about justice and crime fighting from Max Malini (Keith David, he's in everything). He takes his cues from the comic book hero he secretly reads to his son every night, the Cape. Even our hero's inspiration is uninspired! The magical cape given to him from Malini comes complete with the ability to grab and throw objects, para glide, and look cool when he uses a smoke bomb to "disappear" from the room. It's a cool idea, but the budget is not there on TV to make it really work. Basically, he's Batman without the money or butler.

I want to make a plea to anyone and everyone who is thinking about or working on a comic book show or movie- Watch other successful comic book shows and movies! I understand that Christopher Nolan's interpretation of "Batman" was dark, brooding, and a bit slow and "talkie"; but this is an exception to the rule, not the rule. We want to see the evolution of our hero of course, but we also want to see him be a hero! We want action and fights. We want a clear distinction between good and evil. We want it to make some sense.

You can check out the premiere here if you missed it, but I would just save your breath and two hours of your life.

It's a Mad, Mad, World

* (1 star)

I’m not sure where to start. I’ve been thinking about this review for two days now. “Mad Cowgirl” may be one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I would have given this zero stars if that was something I would do, but; I don’t. The lowest rating is 1 and that’s what “Mad Cowgirl” gets. It is not a “question movie”- You cannot ask the screen a question expecting any kind of answer. I assure you, there are none. Instead, you can only make statements such as: “I have no idea what is going on”, “I thought this would be funny”, “If she is actually having sex with her brother, granted it’s James Duval, I will vomit”, and “I just vomited”.

There doesn’t seem to be any real story here, just a director trying very hard to be subversive about ten years too late. I could have forgiven it more had it not been a poor attempt to, what?; impress Gregg Araki? Casting a bunch of actor’s that have worked with him does not make your movie more interesting. That’s not how it’s done! Gregory Hatanaka is making movies for himself and his friends (I assume they like them as they all seem to be working on this picture), that should have stayed in the comfort of their L.A. squat.

Here goes on the plot. The movie opens with a 70s style public service announcement about the dangers of mad cow disease and how your vegetarian starter kit is available in the lobby after the film. Totally funny and a good idea for midnight showings. Unfortunately, this movie is so bad that dream will never become reality. Therese (Sarah Lassez), a meat inspector, flits through life providing shoddy health code inspections and having a lot of sex with strangers and her "true love" Pastor Dylan (Walter Koenig, Chekov in the “Star Trek” movies). Gross. Her brother, Thierry (Duval), manages a meat processing plant that is severely tainted. Don’t worry, she just shakes her head at him and accepts the free meat he gives her. Later, Therese learns she has some sort of brain disease and she begins to go a bit crazy. No one seems to notice though, even when she stars to believe she is the real life incarnation of her favorite kung fu star, Cindy the Girl with the Thunderbolt Kick, and begins killing people/defeating the 12 Tigers.

The problem is, this is never really explained. We assume Therese is crazy long before she gets the diagnosis. There are about 5 different languages going on here, and Therese seemingly understands them all. Her doctor speaks to her in Sinhala (Sri Lankan dialect); she speaks French to her mother, English to everyone else, with a bit of Spanish thrown in for good measure. The poorly written script is filled out with bible quotes instead of dialog that might move the story along. Therese seems to have a fetish for the divine and not only has sex with her boyfriend while listening to his sermons, but also seeks out a Catholic priest to corrupt and have sex with during a double feature of porn and kung fu in a seedy movie theatre. Is she doing any of these things or only hallucinating? Do we at any point care? By the time she starts killing people, I was bored out of my gourd.

“Mad Cowgirl” throws everything but the kitchen sink into it- oral sex, raw meat, exposed breasts, incest, blood, kung fu, 70s porn, televangelism, paranoia, corruption, religion, morals. An actual kitchen sink would have been a welcome dose of humor! If this were a student film, I may have been able to over look much of the junk thrown in. It is shot primarily in super close up and most scenes contain little more than the actress staring off into space. Oh, so indie! Why there needed to be three cinematographers is beyond me.

What must the script have looked like? I really want to know what the actor’s read and if it made sense to them or sounded like a good idea at the time. Lassez has been kept busy, mostly in small indie/art films (“Nowhere”, “Lo”). It’s kind of a shame as she’s not a bad actress per se. Perhaps she needs to go back to TV. Duval is one of my favorite actors but sometimes I don’t understand his choices. He must be friends with Hatanaka as well. I mean, he’s the younger Keanu Reeves (and I mean that in the best possible way)! Like Keanu circa “My Own Private Idaho”. Please James, please don’t do any more movies like this.

The only good thing about “Mad Cowgirl”? The line, “I love you more when you’re gone”.

I’ve turned off very few films and the only reason I didn’t turn this one off was you dear reader. I just kept hoping it would get funny, even unintentionally so, or that something would be explained. I don’t mean in a hold-my-hand-and-tell-me-the-meaning-of-life kind of way, but anything would have been much appreciated.

I loved one of the reviews for this movie on Netflix. “The graphic designer that made the cover of this movie look cool can go fly a kite!” To that I say, "Here here!"

Shocking, Detestable, Horrific, Loathsome, Revolting (and other words that don't describe my general movie going experience)

ARCHIVE

It takes a lot to shock me in movies these days. My boss was recounting a story about her 13-year old son to me yesterday. He tried to see “Paranormal Activity” but was turned away once he got to the theatre. Instead, he and his friends saw “The Stepfather”. He’s been having nightmares ever since. I couldn’t help but giggle. I loved scary movies! Sure, when I was 13 there were a lot of things that scared me. I never learned my lesson and as a result had a lot of nightmares. (Sorry Mom and Dad). However, they were also supernatural in nature- dolls come to life, tiny demons stealing my breath, something wicked in the closet or under the bed. Human killers didn’t bother me at all.

So I laughed and said the line that opened this post. She replied, “Based on the kind of movies you rent, I’m not surprised!”

You see, I’d recently recounted the premise of “Blood Car” (please don’t see it), about a car that runs on human blood some how, and the bumbling government spooks watching it all go down. Sounds promising right? That’s what I thought! Here’s a sample dialogue:
“What’s he up to?”
“Well, he just killed two people.”
“Okay. Keep an eye on him.”

Seriously? God bless Netflix for having an outlet to what I hoped was student work (it wasn’t), but there should really be a warning. Perhaps you’re thinking, “They do warn you. They rate all the movies. The estimate what you would rate it!” That’s well and good for most movies, but it fails to take into account the movies that are so bad they’re good.
[side note: It received a 2.7. Hardly an indication of bad or good]

But, I digress… Back to my point- shocking me. It takes a lot. I was the girl who fell asleep during “Hostel”, mind you. (Loved part two though). I watch “Un Chien Andalou” (IFC’s #1 scary-non-horror movie) and never cringe. Give me what you got, your best shot! Get Greg Nicotero and Tom Savini together and we’ll have a great time (I think I just came a little thinking about that mash-up), but I’m still not going to be shocked or really scared. The last time I remember being scared was watching “The Strangers”, and that was only because the wind almost blew the door in and things kept tapping against the glass. Seriously, watch it next time it storms- totally different experience.

Now, it’s reality that scares me, not monsters. As we grow up, the demons and witches and ghouls are replaced with sadistic Hitchcockian killers; people who smile as they wipe your blood from their face. I feel it, it’s scary, but is it shocking? Not yet.

When was the last time? Maybe “Blood Car” should count even if it was just shockingly bad! Okay, now I’m going to have to say more about this movie. Synopsis: Vegan loser schoolteacher (who wears homemade t-shirts with vegan dogma slogans embroidered on them to work. In what universe is that appropriate work attire?), tries to invent a car that runs on wheat grass be buys from Anna Chlumsky (oh yea) at a “Peanuts”-esque tofu stand in the middle of a parking lot. It doesn’t work, surprise, until he cuts himself and a little of his blood mixes with the grass and VOILA!

Chlumsky's in love with him, but he only has eyes for the girl who sells meat in an equally ridiculous cardboard stand across from Anna's. (Uh huh). So, why does the car suddenly run on blood? How does installing a propeller in the trunk to slice up bodies get the blood in the tank? Doesn't this car smell? In the end, spoiler alert (as if that's even possible), the government guys make him president of his own country. (yep). It's bad when the Troma looks like Miramax in comparison.

Okay, so there was another tangent. Seriously though, when was the last time I saw something shocking? I've got a couple in my queue that may do it, including "Cannibal" based on the true story of the German guys who found someone to eat, literally, on Craigslist; and "In the Skin" about a girl who likes to self mutilate, a lot. Maybe I'll have something to report.

Maybe I'm just desensitized. Is that a bad thing? Some politico's would have you believe it is. I'm not very good with empathy, but I can certainly feel pity. I understand right from wrong. I don't want to emulate anything I've seen on TV or the movies (again, thanks to the folks). What's so bad about desensitizing America?